There’s this sort of inside nagger I now have to deal with every day. Nagging at me to get on with writing. Telling me off when I don’t and causing me to feel frustrated when too much time passes between writing sessions.
Frustration berates me for having to go to work, making me want to stay at home and write. It is like a physical presence too. A kind of irritation at the back of the neck and down the spine, and an added tension in the already scrunched shoulders. When I am at work I just want to get home and start writing. I can’t wait. I order a meal at work for lunchtime so that I won’t have to spend time cooking later.
When later comes I am tired from the day and the commute. My desperation to write has calmed into a less certain, but still willing, state of mind. I change into even more comfortable clothes than the comfortable clothes I wear for work, have a quick snack and then it happens. The tv beckons, or some reading, or a chat on the phone, a game on the ipad – procrastination has leapt in and pushed frustration out of the way.
Justification joins in and brings acceptable reasons; I need some time out, I will write better if I am refreshed – I don’t want to have to delete another chunk (that section I wrote about before did not survive rereading).
The first few days of writing Invisus procrastination didn’t have any power and the lack of frustration meant the nagger was just an infant. It seems to get harder to get started as time goes on and yet the nagger, fed by frustration, has now grown into an almost constant presence. Why does procrastination get the upper hand so easily? Once I get started I enjoy adding new words, playing with the phrases, developing ideas. I am immersed in the world of Invisus and am happy there. And when I have exhausted my creative self, and the nagger has been pacified, I feel fulfilled, as though I have achieved something.
Days off work present a different challenge. I may have a whole day available to write, or procrastinate. There are so many more procrastination options too. I suppose there is an upside in that many of the small chores, or those which I really have been avoiding, get done. This does not mean that frustration is sleeping. Oh no, it is goading the nagger. Any evasive activity is accompanied by constant mental argument about the merit of the task in hand versus the need to satisfy the nagger.
The work / life balance is often reported as being very important for our wellbeing. What about the work / life / write balance? Perhaps I should love frustration and the nagger as without them maybe the writing would slip off the balance scales in favour of work demands and essential life activity. Juggling two balls is easier than three and, unless I can survive without the day job, I can’t drop either of the other two.
I suppose this blog could be seen as procrastination! But without it as a platform to explore the difficult yet amazing experience of writing this book a less productive procrastination task could step in. See? – that was easy to justify. Anyway, I will be writing some more of Invisus later, as soon as I have……….