Apologies to anyone following me who has noticed that my blog seems to have disappeared. I have been struggling along with writing recently but barely able to manage a few hundred words here and there on Invisus and with no inner resources for anything else.
It feels like I am rocking back and forth on the edge of a writing abyss, in danger of toppling over into the easier state of not doing anything. Inside me is the angst of knowing that would not be the right thing for me. The unrewarding easy routes in life were never to be mine.
Invisus has reached 26,000 words. Now I have an element in the story I am not sure about, which means it probably isn’t working or at least not in its present form. Despite knowing that, I am loathe to take it out as it would leave me with quite a few problems. I am also at a point where I need to move the story on into less familiar, more research hungry, scenarios. I am looking forward to that but there is a fear and a laziness that means I keep finding excuses for delay.
More computer issues got in the way too. I lost another whole section of writing. It was on one of the very hot days and I had disciplined myself to get on with it. I was then thoroughly enjoying myself – as I always do when writing – and also went back and tweaked a few bits in the earlier sections. Something went wrong in the saving process despite the extra care I take since last time. All the new work had disappeared. I had a meltdown. Tears streaming down my face I searched my computer for the autosaves I had seen happening and the saved version I knew I had created. I did eventually, and with huge relief and thanks to the powers that be, find it.
What followed was a frantic session of re-saving, copying to an external drive, emailing to myself and printing off the whole lot to ensure that my ‘baby’ didn’t get lost again. The problem then was that thinking about writing brought back those feelings of distress and desperation. When I sit down to write I aim to go back the the mental world I was in when I finished my last session of writing. After this experience I did not want to go back there ever again! When I thought about writing I could only remember the tears and the terrible fear of closing the file down again it case it disappeared for ever this time.
Finally, a few days ago I took the plunge. I managed a few hundred words and took the first step towards moving into that scary new section. I printed off the new words before finally closing the file.
I woke up this morning with writing thoughts. Morning is not a peaceful time for me to write Invisus, especially at such a challenging point. But a blog post that popped up in front of me when I signed on to WordPress inspired me to write something so thank you damyantiwrites (I have shared that post).
Excuses over, I am going to stop wobbling about at the edge of this abyss and go and find a bridge.